# Divergent Pathways

Posted: 29 July, 2025

Last Edited: 29 July, 2025

I can't say that this is how I wanted to start my blog.

Although, in all honesty, I didn't really have an idea for how I wanted it to start. That's not to say I didn't know what I *didn't* want. A meaningless 'Welcome to my Blog' filled with my hopes and aspirations that inevitably would never come to light was something I knew I didn't want. I figured it more likely for me to have a semi-respectful rant about whatever's causing me to 'crash out' on that particular day. That would certainly be in character for me.

But no. Instead, I'm starting my blog on one of the last things I ever expected to write about.

Love.

Or rather, the passing of it due to life.

I've been in two relationships now. Both ended mutually, although what I consider mutual may not be everyone else's. We came to see the same side of things, and we understood that we couldn't sustain our lives together. We're all still friends at the end.

Me and my ex-boyfriend were struggling a lot with being able to see each other. It's not like this relationship was geographically long distance; we went to the same school. The distance came more from our schedules and pathways. I have always been a relatively heavy academic. My parents and teachers certainly made sure of that, and ultimately helped lead me down a path of being the teacher's pet. Maybe I'll talk about my experiences and struggles related to that another time, but the short of it is that I am a high-achieving workaholic as a result. My ex-boyfriend on the other hand, didn't have that kind of an experience, and ultimately was led down the college-level course stream in high school.

Now, as I began to struggle in my fourth year, particularly with my mathematics continuing their downwards trend, I decided that the life of a software engineer wasn't for me. I turned around, almost on a dime, and set myself towards a career in Psychology. Now, on the surface, this may look like it would help with our scheduling issues, but no. While I was studying at school, and desperately trying to keep up my grades, my boyfriend would be doing a co-op elsewhere. Even when that ended at the end of the term, the problem remained. I was too much of a workaholic.

Ultimately, the break-up that I've just had has left me intent on not spiralling downward. My first was rough on me, and I was not in a good place for about a week. This time, we both kind of saw this coming. Perhaps that makes it easier, but it still sucks for both of us. And, why squander the motivation I have to better my self care, my habits, and thus myself? I'm about to go into my first year of university. Normally, I'm either scared of my inevitable death, or some past regret of my life that chooses to grip me. But now, I'm also anxious for the life ahead.

So what does this all mean in terms of dating for me? Well, it leaves me considering the idea that some people are meant to walk through life alone. I'm at a point in my life where dating is probably not a great idea for me. I struggle enough with burnout spells that adding heartbreak on top would likely kill my education.

On top of that are my concerns with online dating. Aside from data privacy, breaches, and otherwise disgusting people who can't leave these projects to be a good part of the internet, are the risks with being trans. There are far too many stories, even if most of them are probably from the US, of people 'trying it out' with a trans person. Ignoring how slimy and disgusting you have to be to even do that without considering the effects of those actions, the point of dating is for love (and to meet societal expectations while seeking a dual income for the household, among other things).

To make it extra clear, love != sex. The point at the end of it isn't so you can run home and shag every night--this isn't some 1960s Bond film.

If you want to have kids, some trans people who are on HRT, may still be able to if they've gone to the really awkward and expensive effort of cryopreservation.

Anyway, being someone who was a 'test run' is crushing. I certainly don't want to run that risk, and other people are in the same boat.

Given all this, I'll probably tough it out on my own for a while.

- #AD