+
I can't say that this is how I wanted to start my blog.
+
+ Although, in all honesty, I didn't really have an idea for how I wanted
+ it to start. That's not to say I didn't know what I *didn't* want. A
+ meaningless 'Welcome to my Blog' filled with my hopes and aspirations
+ that inevitably would never come to light was something I knew I didn't
+ want. I figured it more likely for me to have a semi-respectful rant
+ about whatever's causing me to 'crash out' on that particular day. That
+ would certainly be in character for me.
+
+
+ But no. Instead, I'm starting my blog on one of the last things I ever
+ expected to write about.
+
+
Love.
+
Or rather, the passing of it due to life.
+
+ I've been in two relationships now. Both ended mutually, although what I
+ consider mutual may not be everyone else's. We came to see the same side
+ of things, and we understood that we couldn't sustain our lives
+ together. We're all still friends at the end.
+
+
+ Me and my ex-boyfriend were struggling a lot with being able to see each
+ other. It's not like this relationship was geographically long distance;
+ we went to the same school. The distance came more from our schedules
+ and pathways. I have always been a relatively heavy academic. My parents
+ and teachers certainly made sure of that, and ultimately helped lead me
+ down a path of being the teacher's pet. Maybe I'll talk about my
+ experiences and struggles related to that another time, but the short of
+ it is that I am a high-acheiving workaholic as a result. My ex-boyfriend
+ on the other hand, didn't have that kind of an experience, and
+ ultimately was led down the college-level course stream in high school.
+
+
+ Now, as I began to struggle in my fourth year, particularly with my
+ mathematics continuing their downwards trend, I decided that the life of
+ a software engineer wasn't for me. I turned around, almost on a dime,
+ and set myself towards a career in Psychology. Now, on the surface, this
+ may look like it would help with our scheduling issues, but no. While I
+ was studying at school, and desperately trying to keep up my grades, my
+ boyfriend would be doing a co-op elsewhere. Even when that ended at the
+ end of the term, the problem remained. I was too much of a workaholic.
+
+
+ Ultimately, the break-up that I've just had has left me intent on not
+ spiralling downward. My first was rough on me, and I was not in a good
+ place for about a week. This time, we both kind of saw this coming.
+ Perhaps that makes it easier, but it still sucks for both of us. And,
+ why squander the motivation I have to better my self care, my habits,
+ and thus myself? I'm about to go into my first year of university.
+ Normally, I'm either scared of my inevitable death, or some past regret
+ of my life that chooses to grip me. But now, I'm also anxious for the
+ life ahead.
+
+
+ So what does this all mean in terms of dating for me? Well, it leaves me
+ considering the idea that some people are meant to walk through life
+ alone. I'm at a point in my life where dating is probably not a great
+ idea for me. I struggle enough with burnout spells that adding
+ heartbreak on top would likely kill my education.
+
+
+ On top of that are my concerns with online dating. Aside from data
+ privacy, breaches, and otherwise disgusting people who can't leave these
+ projects to be a good part of the internet, are the risks with being
+ trans. There are far too many stories, even if most of them are probably
+ from the US, of people 'trying it out' with a trans person. Ignoring how
+ slimy and disgusting you have to be to even do that without considering
+ the effects of those actions, the point of dating is for love (and to
+ meet societal expectations while seeking a dual income for the
+ household, among other things).
+
+
+ To make it extra clear, love != sex. The point at the end of it isn't so
+ you can run home and shag every night--this isn't some 1960s Bond film.
+
+
+ If you want to have kids, some trans people who are on HRT, may still be
+ able to if they've gone to the really awkward and expensive effort of
+ cryopreservation.
+
+
+ Anyway, being someone who was a 'test run' is crushing. I certainly
+ don't want to run that risk, and other people are in the same boat.
+
+
Given all this, I'll probably tough it out on my own for a while.
+