127 lines
7.9 KiB
HTML
127 lines
7.9 KiB
HTML
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<title>Divergent Pathways | Cutieguwu</title>
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<h4 class="location_header">You are here:</h4>
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<h5 class="location_page">Blog - Divergent Pathways</h5>
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<h1 class="title">Divergent Pathways</h1>
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<p class="date">Posted: 29 July, 2025</p>
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<p class="date">Last Edited: 29 July, 2025</p>
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<div class="body">
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<p>I can't say that this is how I wanted to start my blog.</p>
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<p>
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Although, in all honesty, I didn't really have an idea for how I wanted
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it to start. That's not to say I didn't know what I *didn't* want. A
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meaningless 'Welcome to my Blog' filled with my hopes and aspirations
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that inevitably would never come to light was something I knew I didn't
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want. I figured it more likely for me to have a semi-respectful rant
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about whatever's causing me to 'crash out' on that particular day. That
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would certainly be in character for me.
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</p>
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<p>
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But no. Instead, I'm starting my blog on one of the last things I ever
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expected to write about.
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</p>
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<p>Love.</p>
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<p>Or rather, the passing of it due to life.</p>
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<p>
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I've been in two relationships now. Both ended mutually, although what I
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consider mutual may not be everyone else's. We came to see the same side
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of things, and we understood that we couldn't sustain our lives
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together. We're all still friends at the end.
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</p>
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<p>
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Me and my ex-boyfriend were struggling a lot with being able to see each
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other. It's not like this relationship was geographically long distance;
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we went to the same school. The distance came more from our schedules
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and pathways. I have always been a relatively heavy academic. My parents
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and teachers certainly made sure of that, and ultimately helped lead me
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down a path of being the teacher's pet. Maybe I'll talk about my
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experiences and struggles related to that another time, but the short of
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it is that I am a high-acheiving workaholic as a result. My ex-boyfriend
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on the other hand, didn't have that kind of an experience, and
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ultimately was led down the college-level course stream in high school.
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</p>
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<p>
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Now, as I began to struggle in my fourth year, particularly with my
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mathematics continuing their downwards trend, I decided that the life of
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a software engineer wasn't for me. I turned around, almost on a dime,
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and set myself towards a career in Psychology. Now, on the surface, this
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may look like it would help with our scheduling issues, but no. While I
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was studying at school, and desperately trying to keep up my grades, my
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boyfriend would be doing a co-op elsewhere. Even when that ended at the
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end of the term, the problem remained. I was too much of a workaholic.
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</p>
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<p>
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Ultimately, the break-up that I've just had has left me intent on not
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spiralling downward. My first was rough on me, and I was not in a good
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place for about a week. This time, we both kind of saw this coming.
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Perhaps that makes it easier, but it still sucks for both of us. And,
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why squander the motivation I have to better my self care, my habits,
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and thus myself? I'm about to go into my first year of university.
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Normally, I'm either scared of my inevitable death, or some past regret
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of my life that chooses to grip me. But now, I'm also anxious for the
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life ahead.
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</p>
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<p>
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So what does this all mean in terms of dating for me? Well, it leaves me
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considering the idea that some people are meant to walk through life
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alone. I'm at a point in my life where dating is probably not a great
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idea for me. I struggle enough with burnout spells that adding
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heartbreak on top would likely kill my education.
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</p>
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<p>
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On top of that are my concerns with online dating. Aside from data
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privacy, breaches, and otherwise disgusting people who can't leave these
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projects to be a good part of the internet, are the risks with being
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trans. There are far too many stories, even if most of them are probably
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from the US, of people 'trying it out' with a trans person. Ignoring how
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slimy and disgusting you have to be to even do that without considering
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the effects of those actions, the point of dating is for love (and to
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meet societal expectations while seeking a dual income for the
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household, among other things).
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</p>
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<p>
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To make it extra clear, love != sex. The point at the end of it isn't so
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you can run home and shag every night--this isn't some 1960s Bond film.
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</p>
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<p>
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If you want to have kids, some trans people who are on HRT, may still be
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able to if they've gone to the really awkward and expensive effort of
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cryopreservation.
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</p>
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<p>
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Anyway, being someone who was a 'test run' is crushing. I certainly
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don't want to run that risk, and other people are in the same boat.
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</p>
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<p>Given all this, I'll probably tough it out on my own for a while.</p>
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