124 lines
7.4 KiB
HTML
124 lines
7.4 KiB
HTML
<!doctype html>
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<html lang="en-ca">
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<head>
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<title>Divergent Pathways | Cutieguwu</title>
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<div class="location">
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<header><h4>You are here:</h4></header>
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<h5 class="page">Blog - Divergent Pathways</h5>
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<h1 class="title">Divergent Pathways</h1>
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<p class="date">Posted: 29 July, 2025</p>
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<p class="date">Last Edited: 29 July, 2025</p>
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</header>
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<div class="body">
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<p>I can't say that this is how I wanted to start my blog.</p>
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<p>
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Although, in all honesty, I didn't really have an idea for how I wanted it
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to start. That's not to say I didn't know what I *didn't* want. A
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meaningless 'Welcome to my Blog' filled with my hopes and aspirations that
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inevitably would never come to light was something I knew I didn't want. I
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figured it more likely for me to have a semi-respectful rant about
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whatever's causing me to 'crash out' on that particular day. That would
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certainly be in character for me.
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</p>
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<p>
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But no. Instead, I'm starting my blog on one of the last things I ever
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expected to write about.
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</p>
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<p>Love.</p>
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<p>Or rather, the passing of it due to life.</p>
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<p>
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I've been in two relationships now. Both ended mutually, although what I
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consider mutual may not be everyone else's. We came to see the same side of
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things, and we understood that we couldn't sustain our lives together. We're
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all still friends at the end.
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</p>
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<p>
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Me and my ex-boyfriend were struggling a lot with being able to see each
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other. It's not like this relationship was geographically long distance; we
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went to the same school. The distance came more from our schedules and
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pathways. I have always been a relatively heavy academic. My parents and
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teachers certainly made sure of that, and ultimately helped lead me down a
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path of being the teacher's pet. Maybe I'll talk about my experiences and
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struggles related to that another time, but the short of it is that I am a
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high-acheiving workaholic as a result. My ex-boyfriend on the other hand,
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didn't have that kind of an experience, and ultimately was led down the
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college-level course stream in high school.
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</p>
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<p>
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Now, as I began to struggle in my fourth year, particularly with my
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mathematics continuing their downwards trend, I decided that the life of a
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software engineer wasn't for me. I turned around, almost on a dime, and set
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myself towards a career in Psychology. Now, on the surface, this may look
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like it would help with our scheduling issues, but no. While I was studying
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at school, and desperately trying to keep up my grades, my boyfriend would
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be doing a co-op elsewhere. Even when that ended at the end of the term, the
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problem remained. I was too much of a workaholic.
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</p>
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<p>
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Ultimately, the break-up that I've just had has left me intent on not
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spiralling downward. My first was rough on me, and I was not in a good place
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for about a week. This time, we both kind of saw this coming. Perhaps that
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makes it easier, but it still sucks for both of us. And, why squander the
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motivation I have to better my self care, my habits, and thus myself? I'm
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about to go into my first year of university. Normally, I'm either scared of
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my inevitable death, or some past regret of my life that chooses to grip me.
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But now, I'm also anxious for the life ahead.
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</p>
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<p>
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So what does this all mean in terms of dating for me? Well, it leaves me
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considering the idea that some people are meant to walk through life alone.
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I'm at a point in my life where dating is probably not a great idea for me.
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I struggle enough with burnout spells that adding heartbreak on top would
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likely kill my education.
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</p>
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<p>
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On top of that are my concerns with online dating. Aside from data privacy,
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breaches, and otherwise disgusting people who can't leave these projects to
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be a good part of the internet, are the risks with being trans. There are
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far too many stories, even if most of them are probably from the US, of
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people 'trying it out' with a trans person. Ignoring how slimy and
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disgusting you have to be to even do that without considering the effects of
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those actions, the point of dating is for love (and to meet societal
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expectations while seeking a dual income for the household, among other
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things).
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</p>
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<p>
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To make it extra clear, love != sex. The point at the end of it isn't so you
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can run home and shag every night--this isn't some 1960s Bond film.
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</p>
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<p>
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If you want to have kids, some trans people who are on HRT, may still be
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able to if they've gone to the really awkward and expensive effort of
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cryopreservation.
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</p>
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<p>
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Anyway, being someone who was a 'test run' is crushing. I certainly don't
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want to run that risk, and other people are in the same boat.
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</p>
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<p>Given all this, I'll probably tough it out on my own for a while.</p>
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