28 lines
3.6 KiB
Markdown
28 lines
3.6 KiB
Markdown
The little things, it's the little things that count.
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Or so I'm told.
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All around me, all my friends are super excited for university, or college, or appreticeship, or--post-secondary in general. They're excited about meeting new [like-minded] people, clubs, increased autonomy, the future promises of post-secondary education, and of course, parties (within reason). They look to the hopeful side of things.
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Now, I have this set of coasters which I got a year or so ago at a local market. They're meant to keep me in a more positive headspace, but half the time they're covered up by drinks... Anyway, one of them advises me to "focus on the good".
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And boy, do I try hard to do that. But without a job, I'm left to my hyperfixation and burnout routine. If I'm lucky, I just start going a bit stir-crazy from sitting in my room, doing things that I consider productive, with only the occasional break for the loo and another cup of bean juice. Then, it's back to work, dawn until dinner, then maybe I'll play a game briefly, but not until working some more.
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There are of course plenty of things that I'd like to blame for why I'm like this, but that's not the purpose of this post, nor more than speculation.
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Anyway, I'm currently writing this in a cheerful little café after an appointment so that I take a break to process, and perhaps understand, some emotions, while taking in this little thing. So, back to university, since that's my academic trajectory.
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I'm terrified.
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I've struggled a lot to plan and get course selections which will allow me to fulfill my degree, only to fail rather badly. Seriously, I will probably do poorly in philosophy, and it doesn't help me with just about any of my requirements. On top of that, I'm worried about the teachers that I'll get. It was bad enough in grade 5, and I'd had a few years to anticipate that teacher. In university, I have no knowledge going into first year. The best resource I have is something like RateMyProf which honestly kinda sucks and probably makes things worse unless there's a resoundingly poor overall rating.
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That's not to say that all of my course selections are bad; I still have the ones within the interest of my degree and some in my hobbies, that also contribute directly to the degree. One friend and I were also able to get some courses together since I had to take them, and they wanted to. This may sound silly given the struggles with course availabilities, but I promise these decisions were made following a lot of logical consideration of both of our degrees' completion.
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Another concern is the fact that I know so little, and I get my orientation the day before I need to use it... that's not a lot of time to figure out if you're missing something. That then contributes to my concerns about being able to move around campus fast enough to not miss classes, on top of the fatigue that I'll have from waking up at 5h30.
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Finally, because otherwise I could keep going on, are my concerns regarding the ever-shoved-down-our-gullets AIs. I write oddly. This blog, my poetry, and all of my past essays and analyses. My teachers can attest, especially my grade 9 & 12 English teacher who had to consult two other teachers and myself to fully understand [Building Up](https://gitea.cutieguwu.ca/cutieguwu/falling_down_building_up), a poem I wrote with the rust programming language for symbology.
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The concerns about having to prove that I don't use AI were bad enough in High School. Universities have far more strict policies, which likely utilize a guilty until proven innocent model.
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At the end of the day, I'm trying to take in the little things and not worry too much.
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