Add blog posts 3 and 4; Update RSS feed.
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Cutieguwu
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src/blog/posts/3_closing_chapters/3_closing_chapters.html
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<title>Closing Chapters | Cutieguwu</title>
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<header><h4>You are here:</h4></header>
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<h5 class="page">Blog - Closing Chapters</h5>
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<h1 class="title">Closing Chapters</h1>
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<p class="date">Posted: 18 December, 2025</p>
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<p class="date">Last Edited: 18 December, 2025</p>
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</header>
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<div class="body">
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<p>
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I'm not sure why I'm suddenly writing another blog post. Particularly when I
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still have an exam to do, for which I need to read two chapters of the
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textbook.
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</p>
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<p>
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Perhaps it's because I've just come out of a counselling session, and once
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again, find something I need to talk about <em>after</em> it's finished.
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</p>
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<p>
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Perhaps it's because I feel a need to prove to myself that I'm still a good
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writer, even if I barely pass my Creative Writing course...
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</p>
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<p>
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Maybe it's because I'm just generally tired but I've been awake long enough
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that I've progressed into my first period of creative brain waves. Yes,
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apparently that's a thing.
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</p>
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<p>
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Anyway, this post's idea stems from the sentiments I've been experiencing
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since graduating high school.
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</p>
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<p>
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I feel like I keep wanting to run back to my childhood, as awful as it was
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in many respects. It's not just my overwhelming fear of death, and general
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existential dread, it's my nostalgia.
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</p>
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<p>
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Yesterday, I went to see my old high school band and jazz band perform their
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annual Holiday Concert. It was great getting to see my old buddies, have a
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couple laughs while berating the Audio-Visual equipment team for their awful
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cable management in the few months that I've been gone now.
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</p>
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<p>
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But, as I listened to them play the biggest set list the band has done since
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the pandemic, I found myself melancholy. I wanted to be back with them,
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playing in the pink lighting, learning solos that I couldn't as a result of
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COVID, setting up equipment, taping cables down to comply with safety
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policies, digging into the hows and whys of DMX-512, managing my old tech
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team, shooting the shit.
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</p>
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<p>I can't really do that now.</p>
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<p>
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Picking up the hobbies again, joining a music group on Campus, finding an
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A/V equipment team to join... it just wouldn't be the same.
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</p>
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<p>
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I have more demanding courses to come, and I just don't have the time
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anymore. I, like many others, already treat the Carleton Cybersecurity Club
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as an extra course.
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</p>
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<p>The workshops; our lectures.</p>
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<p>The weekly challenges; our quizzes and textbook readings.</p>
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<p>The competitions; our midterms.</p>
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<p>
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After my showing in the past semester alone, it's likely that I'll take on
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running a couple workshops in the future.
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</p>
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<p>
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I can keep going back to the band's events, and catch up with old profs
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during reading week, but for how long?
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</p>
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<p>
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How long until everyone has moved on? How long until all the staff rotate,
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and nothing but the U-shape of the building remains?
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</p>
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<p>
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Even if I step back and question why, why am I so attached to these
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memories, I don't know.
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</p>
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<p>
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I know a lot of people who, like myself, left this school having experienced
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the absolute worst periods of their life.
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</p>
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<p>They never went back. Not for anything.</p>
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<p>
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But I'm practically desperate to return, to jump back in time to grade 9 and
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fuck everything up again, run through depression, experience the worst days
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of my dysphoria, and tolerate every bitch and asshole who decided to spend
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their time splinkling on a bit more shit all the while.
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</p>
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<p>
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I've run out of things to say at this point. I wish this was better
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structured than just a brain dump, but I'm too tired and emotional to work
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on it further.
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</p>
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<p>
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So, with the loss of my non-existent PG-13 rating, I shall conclude this
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post, and begin [hopefully] immediately on another post that will outline
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what I hope to do over the winter break, and what posts I hope to have lined
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up.
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</p>
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<p>
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So, to my only reader, stay tuned! I want to get out of the doom and gloom
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real soon.
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</p>
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<hr />
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<p>
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OKAY, so, as per usual, I know a guy, FOR EVERYTHING. He's directed me
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towards contacting another guy on campus who works with A/V stuff. So, maybe
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I can find a way to keep that chapter open, despite everything else I have
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going on these days. It also seems that there might be a way to take an
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elective course that looks into A/V equipment. I will have to hunt around
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and see if I can fit that into my program
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</p>
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<div class="pane spacer">
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<include src="./includes/blog_recent_posts.html" />
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<div class="spacer_container"><p>#AD</p></div>
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149
src/blog/posts/4_pointless_plans/4_pointless_plans.html
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<html lang="en-ca">
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<head>
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<title>Pointless Plans | Cutieguwu</title>
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<div class="location">
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<header><h4>You are here:</h4></header>
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<h5 class="page">Blog - Pointless Plans</h5>
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</div>
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<include src="includes/nav_quick_links.html" />
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</nav>
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<main class="pane blog">
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<header>
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<h1 class="title">Pointless Plans</h1>
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<p class="date">Posted: 18 December, 2025</p>
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<p class="date">Last Edited: 18 December, 2025</p>
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</header>
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<div class="body">
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<p>
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So... remember my first post where I said that "a meaningless 'Welcome to my
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Blog' filled with my hopes and aspirations that inevitably would never come
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to light was something I knew I didn't want." Well...
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</p>
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<p>
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I've been stuck in a doom and gloom phase here, and with me hopefully
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concluding my counselling soon, I definitely don't want to dwell in it.
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</p>
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<p>
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As a result, I'm making a little list of things that I'd love to write
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about, and that you can hopefully expect to read about sometime soon!
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</p>
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<ul>
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<li>
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<p>CyberSci</p>
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<ul>
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<li>
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I had the fortune to participate at the Regional level,
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representing Carleton University. (Spoiler: We won, barely)
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</li>
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<li>
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This will probably have a follow up once Nationals happens in
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the summer.
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</li>
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</ul>
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</li>
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<li>
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<p>Creative Writing Work</p>
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<ul>
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<li>
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I've written some good things and some really bad things for the
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Creative Writing course this term. Obviously, I'll only publish
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works that I believe are well polished.
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</li>
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</ul>
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</li>
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<li>
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<p>Poetry</p>
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<ul>
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<li>
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I want to get back to writing poetry, but for now I have some
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things that are still unpublished.
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</li>
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<li>
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They're nothing like Building Up, so if you can't read [bad]
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Rust, don't worry. They're also far less whacky than Falling
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Down.
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</li>
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<li>
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<a
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href="https://gitea.cutieguwu.ca/cutieguwu/falling_down_building_up"
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>Falling Down & Building Up</a
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>
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</li>
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</ul>
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</li>
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</ul>
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<p>
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Also, I've come to realise that I have a thing for memoirs. I never actually
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realised it because I usually read book series, but I now have four memoirs
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in my library.
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</p>
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<ol>
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<li>
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<em>Fatty Legs</em> by Christy Jordan-Fenton and Margaret Pokiak-Fenton
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</li>
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<li>its sequel, <em>A Stranger At Home</em></li>
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<li><em>The Glass Castle</em> by Jeannette Walls</li>
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<li><em>Tomboy Survival Guide</em> by Ivan Coyote</li>
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</ol>
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<p>
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So, after a creative non-fiction flash writing assignment just didn't work
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out well, even after reworking it heavily for the exam, I decided that I
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should actually take it in the direction of a full memoir, rather than the
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poetic form that it currently has.
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</p>
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<p>
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The problem is that I mean, a <em>full</em> memoir. And the problem with
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that is that memory is a complex thing. Many important and relevant things
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for a memoir are episodic, iconic, flashbulb memories, which can be
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difficult to just retrieve on the spot. (Yes, I referenced my textbook, no I
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am not a credible source for interpreting this information.)
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</p>
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<p>
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A lot of the time, my writing, particularly my poetry, comes from what can
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best be described as state-dependent memory. If I'm lucky, some random
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stimulus or set of stimuli will trigger a recollection of these memories,
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and give me an image from which to write. The problem is that this also
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means I cannot write sequentially.
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</p>
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<p>
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And just to make things even more difficult, memory is unreliable and easily
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influenced. So I need to review and consider how much I trust my own
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recollection of events, and work to mitigate my biases whenever possible by
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asking someone else to recount the event and compare details.
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</p>
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<p>
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So, in the background, I'm going to start working on that. Almost like
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forgetting to write in a diary for a week, then trying to catch up while you
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still remember.
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</p>
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<p>
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Hopefully this will have the added benefit of holding back some of the
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future doom and gloom from the blog.
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</p>
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<p>
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And finally, I'm going to try to finish up my blog generator,
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<a href="https://gitea.cutieguwu.ca/cutieguwu/cutinews">cutinews</a>. It's
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about time I got back and actually finished a programming project. Chances
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are that I'll be live on Twitch (yes, eww, ik) working on the code.
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</p>
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<div class="spacer_container"><p>#AD</p></div>
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<language>en-ca</language>
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<category>Technology/IT/Life/Mental Health/Health</category>
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<item>
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<title>Pointless Plans</title>
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<pubDate>18 December, 2025</pubDate>
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<link>https://www.cutieguwu.ca/blog/posts/4_pointless_plans.html</link>
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<description>Winter Break plans</description>
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<category>Life</category>
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<category>Mental Health</category>
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<category>Health</category>
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</item>
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<item>
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<title>Closing Chapters</title>
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<pubDate>18 December, 2025</pubDate>
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<link>https://www.cutieguwu.ca/blog/posts/3_closing_chapters.html</link>
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<description>
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Things go, and others come in. Sometimes, we don't want to move forward, but we must.
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</description>
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<category>Life</category>
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<category>Mental Health</category>
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<category>Health</category>
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</item>
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<item>
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<item>
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<title>Buyer's Anxiety</title>
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<title>Buyer's Anxiety</title>
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<pubDate>11 September, 2025</pubDate>
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<pubDate>11 September, 2025</pubDate>
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